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On the Brightside… God is still good!

Happy Sunday!

So lets catch up… I got my results back from my last blood work done last week…. and as suspected my HCG levels dropped down to 15. It was hard to hear but luckily I have been preparing for this news and I am well supported this time round. I go to the doctor on Monday morning to probably get an ultrasound (praying no D & C). This would be my second miscarriage and it’s different then last time. I miscarried naturally my first pregnancy and I truly believe that I have not miscarried yet, but I could be wrong. The plan moving forward is to remain hopeful that after my acupuncture treatment for my fibroids and some diet changes that we will be able to try again and be blessed with the beautiful children we prayed for. I also plan to seek counselor just to get a reading on my mental state. I would be a fraud to be a mental health counselor and not believe in it for myself. I believe that it is important to not just heal my body but also my mind and get mentally prepared to try again. The anxiety was through the roof during this pregnancy and I would like to do everything I can to avoid that next time. Until then I have been on a search for non hormonal birth control options, and incorporating more healthy options in my diet. I plan to continue blogging and I hope that you all continue to join me. On the better side God remains in control and I find comfort and peace in knowing that this was his plan and its a greater good in it all.

funny/ emotional quick story: (funny part lol) My sister told me yesterday that she believes I was meant to have multiples! I just thought hmmmm No.. and immediately after getting off the phone the meme with the little girl holding on to the little bear and God asking her to trust him came to mind. ( emotional part) I just began going into praise and prayer, because I gave this pregnancy and this baby back to God and I just have to trust that God wasn’t being mean but just had something better planned for me.

Until next time Love & light

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Not again…

So on February 18,2019 I was at work trying to take it easy due to experiencing some cramps and back pain alone with constipation. I tried to increase my water intake to help with the constipation, and sure enough it worked and I had a very good bowel moment (tmi, but true).I was extremely happy because the pain went away instantly and I felt a 100 times better. Shortly after the glorious bowel movement I went to use the bathroom again and i was bleeding and passed a blood clot. I immediately called my boyfriend to come get me from work to take me to the ER. The 20min wait for him to come get me was horrible. I honestly felt my heart was racing so fast I could have had a heart attack or stoke. So he came and tried to calm me down thinking that we should wait to see what happens, and all I could get out my mouth was no it’s happening again. I continued to pass nice size clots while waiting in the ER. Fast forward 6 hours waiting to be seen and moving from room to room and having blood work and an ultrasound completed. I finally was able to see a doctor. He explained that I have slow rising HCG levels and they are supposed to double over 48 hours (which i found out later that 72 hours is more realistic) but they did double over a week. The ultrasound looked fine but he did see uterine fibroids, and that could possibly be the reason why I was passing clots. He put me on bed rest for a few days and asked me to see my OB sooner than later. Luckily I was able to rest that night and the next day and the clots did stop thank God. I was also on the look out for passing tissue and painful cramps or back aches more than a period (I told y’all my last pregnancy ending in a miscarriage traumatized me). Luckily I was not in pain and did not pass anything but clots. While on bed rest I had nothing but time to watch YouTube and search my symptoms. I tried to stick with the positives ones ONLY. Thankfully I came across some really inspiring stories of women who also experienced slow rising hcg levels and went on to have healthy pregnancies. I prayed a lot that I would also have a testimony similar to theirs. I meditated and spent time speaking life over myself and my baby. I remember just saying that this is not how my story will end and I will also be a light for other women who is feeling terrified and feeling confused and alone, because it can feel like no one understands pregnancy after miscarriage. I also thought it was so concerning that I didn’t really receive any information about what it means to be pregnant with fibroids, and thinking what does that even mean. It’s so easy to get lost in the world of medicine especially when All you want to hear is everything is okay. I remember feeling like I’m being over looked while in the ER but yet I’m over her screaming and having a miscarriage and no one cares. It’s so easy to feel like no one can hear you screaming in fear and anxiety or see you having your heart bleed out from between your legs . I want to learn to have a voice in the big ocean of the health care system. I hope we can discover our voice together.  Until next time love & light 

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Pregnant?? No, really what’s wrong with me?

So by the title I’m Sure you have already guessed… I‘m pregnant! I‘m sure you have also already guessed that it was unplanned and unexpected, and you would be right! I had No idea I was pregnant, and although I was not doing anything to get pregnant I was also not doing anything to prevent it either. I knew I wanted to try for my rainbow baby, but I also knew it wouldn’t hurt to wait until I obtained my LPC license. So from the top.. I experienced my first miscarriage back in Aungust of 2018. It happened early in pregnancy but as we all know that does not make it hurt any less. So I had a hard time dealing with it, and my whole life changed. I knew I wanted to try agajn but wanted to make sure my mind body and sprirt was in good shape to do it again (I’ll discuss healing in a different post). So fast forward to January 12th, 2019 and I just had what I thought was a period and on that day some light spotting and cramps and a little back pain. I honestly thought I had a kidney infection or something so I called my mom (she’s a nurse) and she told me to go to the ER just to find out. Fast forward again 8hours in the ER  and after blood work I was told “you’re pregnant” and I said “no, really what‘s wrong?”. I Remember the doctor‘s face going from happy to confused, and I’m convinced it was a reflection of my own expressions on my face. So the ultrasound was fine she said baby was there but a little low to the cervix, but my Cervix looked fine. So I was sent home more confused then when I got there. I was Diagnosed with a threatened miscarriage. Those words shook me to the core and echoed in my head for days. I understand that the diagnosis was more to CTA (cover their ass) but damnnnn that hurt.  I’m sure no one likes to hear those words, and I’m not sure if words alone can explain the anxiety that comes with being pregnant after a miscarriage. So my goal for creating this space is to make it a safe place to try and put the words together. I also wanted to shed light on health care disparities and research for better pregnancies for women of color. I am also a spiritual being and don’t ever want to forget to give honor to God that strengthens and keeps me ! I hope you all join me on this exciting journey and enjoy the ride. Until next time love&light! 

Lab work and getting healthy!


“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”

2 Timothy 1:7 ESV

So this morning I had a doctor’s appointment to get another read on my HCg levels.. so I was only there to do get blood drown. I don’t know what to expect and I’m anxious for the results already! I was proactive and spoke with a acupuncturist to set an appointment and discuss some questions I had like: can I start before I actually finding out If I will miscarry, benefits it has on fibroids and trying to get pregnant again. She was amazing and was able to keep me focus on getting healthy. I will be able to develop a plan for treatment and I’m actually really excited about it. I feel in control again!!!!

Until next time love & light! 

Hormones, Progesterone, HCG…. oh may!

Take a deep breath…. if you are anything like me you search and read and search some more until it is completely over whelming. That’s how I felt trying to gain knowledge about hormones and progesterone and how fibroids are affected by it all, and how all it affects the body during pregnancy. So I’m going to share just some key things I learned to help guide your search. The hardest information I found hardest to understand was about fibroids. I found myself being annoyed and frustrated because it is possible to have a healthy pregnancy with fibroids, but sometimes the fibroids can get in the way. The fibroids on the uterus can restrict the embryo from implanting correctly in the uterus, or they can steal the nutrients provided by the blood, and take it away from the embryo and restrict the embryo from developing properly after implantation. The outcome dose depend on the location and size. I’m sure you are thinking ” well, that sounds simple enough”, and true it is. It’s frustrating because this information just feels a day late and a dollar short ( you will see why). Moving on to progesterone; so I found that progesterone is a hormone that can prevent changes in the uterus in women during menopause. Low progesterone symptoms include: water retention, very painful periods, acne, hair loss, breast lumps, dry skin, bloating and constipation. Progesterone can be used in treating menstrual cramps that have stopped before menopause. I was also excited to find out that it treats FIBROIDS, PCOS, Endometriosis, and INFERTILITY! Sorry I’m yelling, but do you see why I’m frustrated now?? As you can tell I was soooo excited to hear this, but extremely annoyed that this information was not offered to me during the multiple doctor and hospital visits . Monitoring HCG ;which is a pregnancy hormone that increases over the duration of the pregnancy, should be accompanied with the monitoring of Progesterone because it can give predictions to the development of the baby and how the uterus is accommodating the pregnancy. I’m not placing blame on the doctors for not checking this hormone in my current or previous pregnancy BUT….. they should have known right?? But I know now and I plan to do what I need to do this pregnancy and pregnancies after to ensure that this is addressed. I also plan to look into incorporating progesterone in treating my fibroids. I may not know how this pregnancy will end; whether it’s with a healthy baby in my arms or in a miscarriage, I will be sure to do my due diligence in pregnancies moving forward.

Check out some of these videos and websites I found helpful in my search:

https://www.womenshealth.gov/a-z-topics/uterine-fibroids

(lots of good info about fibroids)

Balance hormones
Learn the signs of low progesterone.
Learn how progesterone can prevent miscarriage, and pre- term labor.

The wait….

“The lord will fight for you; you need only to be still”

Exodus 14:14

It’s been five days since I received the call with my test results of my HCG levels decreasing. I found hope in other women’s success stories of experiencing low rising HCG levels and other stories where levels decrease and then rise again( something called the disappearing twin), and proceeding on to have healthy pregnancies. I have been hopeful that I will also have a similar story, and to be honest I have also had days where I just couldn’t believe what I was telling myself. It has been days where all I could do was pray and praise God for allowing me to be a vessel to deliver this baby into the world. It has also been days where I believe that I am losing this baby and the doctor will have to perform a D&C (In a D&C, dilation refers to opening the cervix; curettage refers to removing the contents of the uterus; https://americanpregnancy.org/pregnancy-complications/d-and-c-procedure-after-miscarriage/). The idea of a D&C is hard for me so TRUST ME it’s not just a thought that I freely entertained in my head . It’s hard to imagine the day coming where I would have to make that decision. D&C is a thought because I am not experiencing those traditional miscarriage symptoms that I know all too well, and that contributed to me thinking that if a miscarriage is inevitable then it may not happen naturally. I must say I can only take it day by day because no one knows the destiny and plan of this pregnancy but God, and today at this very moment I do not believe that God is done with me, and I will continue to be still in his grace. I will continue to live in his peace and praise him for his protection and for blessing me with a beautiful and healthy child. My next appointment is Wednesday morning (yikes) , and I will have them to also check my progesterone levels, because in my research I found that progesterone is very important in sustaining a pregnancy, and based off the symptoms it can cause I am concerned that it may be a problem for me ( please read other post for the information I found on progesterone). Wednesday feels like forever and a day away, but I will continue to research, write and pray. Until next time Love & Light

😢 83? WTH is going on??

I finally Got the call I have been waiting all day for. I was getting ready for work and the nurse called to let me know my hcg levels decreased to a 83. Which was a big drop(so she said, past numbers are unknown). I thought I could continue on and push through. My boyfriend was taking me to work and on the way I shared with him about the phone call. I couldn’t even finish before being in complete tears. I clearly couldn’t make it to work (at a men’s shelter) and it was no way I was going to try. I’m so hurt by the number dropping but I refuse to lose sight of the promise God has for me. I will continue to pray and speak life over myself and my baby. I will not allow my negative thoughts get the best of me because the devil did not win; God did! I will continue to use my voice to speak his praises and share how he has blessed me. I will continue to research and seek answers and one huge question I have is WTH is going on?? Until next time ✌🏾 and light!

Well that’s not how I thought that would go..

I was so excited and anxious about my “first prenatal” appointment. Got there early like they requested; prepared with my medical history forms. I was called on time by the nurse, and went through the normal protocol of collecting a urine sample and weighing in (🤦🏾‍♀️ that number I was NOT happy about). Went to the examine room to complete more history paper work. Those questions are so personal lol and unexpected (clutching my pearls). Due to my BMI I completed the glucose test which was not as awful as ai expected, and soon as I completed it the PA stepped in and stated that my labs and ultrasound was received from my previous ER visits. She asked was I told that my HCG levels doubled over a week and not over 2 days. I said yes of course and was thinking not with this hcg level again. She stated rudely that we was going to stop the visit here and get blood work completed to ensure my levels was rising. I got no other explanation but that. Then she says well how are you feeling (I absolutely hate that question). I told her that i have experienced a miscarriage before and I am not having any of those symptoms. She looked at me puzzled said okay and walked out the door. And I’m sure you can guess the anxiety that is about to occur with waiting for my results. I will remain positive and meditate and continue to speak life over myself and my baby. So let the wait began! Until next time ✌🏾and light